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Having the kids for a few days was really nice. I can't believe how much they've grown. My son is turning into a man but, even though they're almost as tall as me, my girls are still little girls(thank god). I can't begin to describe what a crazy feeling it was to sit in my truck when I let my son drive. So strange. As wonderful as it is to have them, though, the intense sinking feeling in my stomach and pain in my heart and the incredible loneliness I feel when I drop them off is almost unbearable. It's really the only time in my life that I feel such a horrible depression and it's the kind of feeling that, if it were to be prolonged, makes me understand how someone could commit suicide. Luckily, I have a very short attention span, so within a few hours of leaving them, I usually forget all about being a parent. :)

Also, speaking of weird feelings, being on vacation makes life feel very surreal. Maybe I just require structure to not go insane because my mind starts to wander and get the strangest ideas. I was thinking about Fight Club and A Beautiful Mind and how the people in those movies created other people to provide something they needed. Then I started wondering if I was living in the real world or a world that my own mind had created. I wondered how I would ever know if some of my friends were only figments of my imagination, created by my subconscious to fill in some void or provide me with some type of crutch. There was a point in my rumination where I can honestly say I didn't know whether I could perceive reality or not, or that I ever had.

In less-strange news, I am going to try to get Yosemite reservations(for May 28th-Jun 1st) AGAIN in a couple weeks. I'm not getting my hopes up.


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 30th, 2008 06:37 pm (UTC)
It is possibly now my life's mission to act like I'm only a figment of your imagination.

Post more pics of the kids!
Dec. 30th, 2008 06:41 pm (UTC)
In my imagination, you are getting me a beer.

I will post some more pics tonight of the Guitar Hero Extravaganza!
Dec. 30th, 2008 06:49 pm (UTC)
Oh. I was hoping in your imagination, my kitchen was clean.
Dec. 30th, 2008 06:52 pm (UTC)
This isn't working out so well.
Dec. 30th, 2008 10:14 pm (UTC)
Are you breaking up with me?
Dec. 30th, 2008 10:37 pm (UTC)
Maybe we could be "just friends" for a little while.
Dec. 30th, 2008 06:55 pm (UTC)
I don't know. Sydney looked very much like a beautiful young woman to me when she was flat ironing her hair, putting on mascara, lip gloss, primping and preening.

It was so strange to watch. In my head I kept thinking, 'playing dress up, playing dress up, we were just playing dress up like yesterday!' I almost started crying.

And I know that feeling, when David was in PA, and now with Kyle there, dropping them off, saying good-bye, it truly is unbearable.
Dec. 30th, 2008 08:23 pm (UTC)
that's really sweet about your kids. aww.
Dec. 30th, 2008 10:16 pm (UTC)
Wow, having kids makes you a pussy!
Dec. 30th, 2008 10:37 pm (UTC)
It's true!
Dec. 31st, 2008 02:19 am (UTC)
It makes everybody a pussy. True fax.
Dec. 31st, 2008 12:27 am (UTC)
Just a reminder that I'm planning Kings Canyon that same weekend with an open invitation.

This is not a whiny post about you ignoring my suggestion, just wanted to remind you if the Yosemite reservations don't come through there's a backup option available.
Dec. 31st, 2008 12:34 am (UTC)
Oh man, I forgot about that. I guess that's why we had those dates down for camping that weekend. Ok, never mind, we're going to KC.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )