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OMG you guys! Guess what?! I am PREGNANT! Put your hand on my stomach, you can feel it kick! Well, it's either that or I am PMSing bad and am super bloated. There is one other very narrow possibility and that's that it is the ten pound flautas combination platter that I ate for lunch and it got stuck somewhere around foot 15 of my 30 foot intestinal tract. Whatever it is, my stomach is about twice as big as it was yesterday. I went on a run a little earlier. (Second run of the season, two and a half miles, 10 min/mile after not running all winter. That is satisfactory for a fatass smoker like me.) But dude, my stomach felt like it was literally going to explode. Fuck, did I use literally right there? I'm always conscious about it now that it is such a huge pet peeve for you fuckers. Where was I? Oh yeah, man I felt like I was going to puke, or like I wanted to puke at least. It felt like one of those chest-bursters from Alien was going to burst out of my stomach. Haha, remember the Space Herpes from Ice Pirates? If I could just do a humongous Jedi burp it would feel so good. I'm drinking some beers to help make that happen. I also feel like maybe not smoking has negatively affected my digestion, since nicotine increases peristalsis, so I picked up a pack of smokes. Look, it's for health reasons people. Still, it could be a hysterical pregnancy, just sayin'.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 12th, 2010 03:12 am (UTC)
Mar. 12th, 2010 03:17 am (UTC)
I hope it's creepy twins like on your bottle of wine!
Mar. 12th, 2010 03:57 am (UTC)
It is a pet peeve of mine, but I deem that you skate by on a technicality because you said "my stomach *felt* like..."

Now if you'd said "my stomach literally exploded..." then I'd be looking at you sharply.

Most egregious recent example I heard was on the news where this one chick being interviewed for something stupid said she "literally died." Um, no, you didn't, bitch. But you're about to get a beat down by the grammar police.
Mar. 12th, 2010 04:11 am (UTC)
Re: Literally
I am right there with you! Please be warned, the video I linked may elicit a near-apoplectic reaction.
Mar. 12th, 2010 05:01 am (UTC)
Yeah.. you'll give birth all right.. is it too early for Christmas?
Mar. 12th, 2010 05:15 am (UTC)
Awww, thank you!
Mar. 12th, 2010 02:31 pm (UTC)
You're totally trying to steal my thunder, I know it.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )