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For Brian, the brother I wish I had:

Never mind. I'm going to do it now. I have ten minutes.

Get a white onion and a few cloves of garlic. Or maybe even a nice large spoonful of the diced garlic in olive oil. It's ok, I use it too. Dice half the white onion and the garlic, if you use regular kind. Get a nice large cast iron pan, better yet, use what I use, a cast iron dutch oven. I know you have a pan though, because you said it's as black as my heart. Anyway, spread some olive oil around in that mother and get it nice and hot, but not hot enough that it smokes or burns anything. Toss the onion and garlic in there and mix it up. Cook it down until it's translucent, do not fucking brown this shit or I kick your ass!.

OK now, wipe your forehead and listen: Drink a beer or two while you're doing all this. Center yourself. Think of what you're doing. You're not doing integration here, you're painting. Find peace within yourself.

Ground Beef:
Don't be a cheap fuck here. Use the store's own premium brand or splurge with a local chain premium brand. 80%/20% is what I prefer. Plus, the American Heart Association will eat your balls if you use heart healthy meat. Toss about a pound of ground beef in there with the onion and garlic. Brown it. If you use good meat, you won't have to drain anything.

Now, this part is variable, so I'm going to break it down for you. For the tomato base, you have a few options:

Fresh Tomatoes:
Get around 10 tomatoes. Nice, ripe, perky tomatoes with no spring in them. They should dent but should not be soft. Quarter them and process them in a food processor until they have a thin consistency. You can roast them, but that would be pretentious. Pull any big hunks out. You can leave them a tiny bit chunky, but I warn you, this is a perilous route.

Canned Tomatoes:
Use any store brand canned, chopped tomatoes. You can include a can of stewed tomatoes with italian herbs if you want, but make sure to cut them up so that no chunks are bigger than mini bite size. I'd say use two cans of crushed or diced tomatoes to one can of stewed tomatoes.

BEST Option; Pomi (Parmalat) Boxed Tomatoes:
My friend, if you don't know the secret of these calabrese tomatoes, than you live in a sad, cold, dark world. I know you know fucking Parmalat from the military days with that foul, UHT milk we had to drink in the field. Well, forget your notions about the tomatoes. They box up the finest, seasoned tomatoes know to the western world. Here's my trick: Use two boxes of their marinara sauce and one box of chopped tomatoes. You will be happy (hahaha Sling Blade).

OK my brother, we are almost there. By this time, I have rivulets of sweat pouring down my cheeks and back. I go outside and have a smoke, drink my beer and just generally thank god for the bounty he has provided us with. Well, not god, but maybe Samuel L Budwiser or something. BEER!

It's all about the herb, my man. Listen, this is a big secret. Dried herbs are actually better than fresh herbs IN MOST INSTANCES. If you go and make a pesto with dried herbs and say "Demo told me so!" I will hunt you down and kill you. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, my kind brotha. Anyway, enough with that, I digress. If you have have a brain, you'll go to sfherb.com and buy a bag of their italian blend. It not, you'll pay full price for a tiny bottle of basil and a tiny bottle of oregano from McCormick, the food nazis. Anyway, put in a good amount of that shit. I say, two big tablespoons full. Get the fucking sodium out while you're at it, kid. And don't fucking skimp unless grandpa has high blood pressure. If you're gonna drink some wine, you need to get the saliva flowing in your cheeks. Salt will do this and a nice, salty (come on, don't overdo it here, you know what I mean) sauce will make your wine taste like nectar of the gods. Put in some pepper. Not that fancy-schmancy ground black peppercorns, just regular, poor people's pepper. Italians are rustics, my friend. A TINY pich of crushed, red pepper will make you look like a star here.

Let it cook. Stir often. The heat should be as low as possible. It will boil anyway. That's ok, just check it every 20 minutes and stir it well and taste it and season it as necessary.

That's it. Marry it to whatever pasta you like.

If you need a manicotti recipe, let me know. ;-)


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 31st, 2002 11:36 pm (UTC)
this is one of the most amusing renditions of a recipe i've ever read. i think i'll be making sauce tomorow. ;)
Sep. 1st, 2002 12:07 am (UTC)
Sep. 1st, 2002 12:35 am (UTC)
Haven't you ever heard of Pastina?
Sep. 1st, 2002 01:28 am (UTC)
HOLY FUCK! I'm fucking 'vince drunk' and it's 4:30 Ohio time... Don't fuck with me like that.
Sep. 1st, 2002 12:08 am (UTC)
It's wrong to post shit like this at 3 in the morning, you assbag. Now I'm all hungry and shit.
Sep. 1st, 2002 12:34 am (UTC)
We've got leftovers.
Sep. 1st, 2002 08:56 am (UTC)
Wow, that sounds wonderful! I'd love the manicotti recipe!
Sep. 3rd, 2002 12:43 pm (UTC)
Everyone else seems to be swearing about this recipe. So I will, too.

Pasta damn frig pasta!
Sep. 3rd, 2002 05:31 pm (UTC)
its not what?
&intr2 dm
Sep. 3rd, 2002 08:07 pm (UTC)
Re: its not what?
Ummm, wha?
Sep. 4th, 2002 12:22 pm (UTC)
Re: its not what?
lemme guess, Internet Explorer?
Sep. 4th, 2002 12:43 pm (UTC)
Re: its not what?
Sep. 4th, 2002 12:55 pm (UTC)
Re: its not what?
you know there are a lot of decaffeinated brands that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Sep. 4th, 2002 01:26 pm (UTC)
Re: its not what?
Hey, is this like that Rorschach inkblot test? You're getting the goods on me, aren't you?
Sep. 4th, 2002 02:08 pm (UTC)
Re: its not what?
lose that zero and get with a hero!

(seriously, reload that shiznit with mozilla or netscape or opera or something. this was supposed to be funny, but damnit if M$ isnt ruining my little joke by not being w3c compliant.)
Sep. 9th, 2002 08:52 am (UTC)
Re: its not what?
OK, I finally installed Mozilla for the express purpose of seeing what your post said. You're integrating. LOL.

I like this browser!
Sep. 10th, 2002 08:10 am (UTC)
Re: its not what?

there are _lots_ of decaffeinated brands that are just as tasty!
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )